Weeds TV Show Quotes

Quotes and Quotations from Showtime's Weeds

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Please submit more quotes from Showtime's Weeds to me by emailing randyray -at- gmail -dot- com. These are some of my favorite Weeds quotes and quotations. (And it's an extremely quotable show, btw.)

Weeds TV Show Quotes

"I'm not a dealer. I'm a mother who happens to distribute illegal products through a sham bakery set up by my ethically questionable CPA and his crooked lawyer friend." -Nancy Botwin

"I'm the suburban baroness of bud, Nancy." -Nancy Botwin

"How do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy?" -Doug Wilson

"I like his wife Laura. I used to buy weed from her at SMU." -Doug Wilson, after being asked how he could be so blindly pro-Bush

"Nancy, trust me. A bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money." -Doug Wilson

"That's the rainman of weed right there." - Conrad Shepard, after Nancy questions the size of a bag.

"Serious shit calls for serious cash, and your cash got a sense of humor." -Heylia James

"Man, how did you get so smart at what, sixteen? It took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go. I once went out with this girl with a baby arm, insane in the sack, plus when she grabbed my dick with her little hand it looked gigantic. " - Andy Botwin

Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist - you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Ok - class dismissed.
-Uncle Andy Botwin, to his nephew, about masturbation

"He's gayer than a handbag full of rainbows." - Clinique

Andy Botwin: Hey Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?

Lupita: The coffee table.

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